Within and Without

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      This series began in a lost state. It was the sole source of catharsis for me when I was experiencing the strangeness of a spectrum of mania, burnout, anxiety and numbness. I found myself within a curious gray area of disillusionment, a kind of welcoming unknown, and a separation of self. When I recreated my mental states on camera, the feelings became an object of the past, and I became a subject on paper, disconnected from the origins of this project, and alienated from myself. In the work, I hope to elicit specific mental dispositions I find myself in, like desperation, self-otherness, dissonance, and repose.

      Inspired by Nan Goldin’s emotionally evocative portraits, the images create an ecology of empathy through self-portraiture. Influenced by Ryan Mcginley’s cinematic, environmental light, I use colored lighting sources, either artificial or natural, to create different moods for each image. The bold colors are a way to categorize the unknown, gray, liminal state I found myself in, and turn it on its head. The settings of the photographs are inspired by real events in my life, like in the backseat of my car, or on the floor of my bedroom, or they capture the mental place I’m in, like the feeling of being underwater, or surrounded by darkness. 

      Through creating this work, I hoped to be able to connect more with a sense of self, thinking about my own dissociation, the feeling of an unreal reality, and communicating what can only be felt within. The more I made, and stared at myself, the more distanced I grew. I withdrew even further from myself and the answers I was begging for, which is why the feeling of loss persists throughout the series.  In all of these ways, Within and Without is an ongoing exploration of  a constellation of identity, and a search for a sense of self-realization as the artist and subject.